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Domestic violence is a major public health concern. Between ten and fifteen percent of couples experience domestic violence; severe battering occurs in two to three percent of the population. Ninety-five percent of the time, the victim is the woman in the relationship.
Domestic violence occurs in poor homes and in wealthy homes. It happens in white, black, Hispanic and Asian homes. Violence that takes place within the family or in intimate relationships is disturbing. We hesitate to "interfere" in relationships that appear to be between consenting adults.
Yet, with time, violent relationships are rarely truly consensual. They become characterized by shame. A man who abuses for the first time often feels shame. He may say, "if she hadn’t acted like that, I wouldn’t have done this." Shame often keeps women from seeking medical or mental health help. If a woman who has been abused stays with the man who is abusing her, the abuse is likely to escalate. If she has children, they are more at risk for abuse.
Those at highest risk for domestic violence are often single, separated or divorced or planning a separation or divorce. Abuse frequently increases during pregnancy. Abuse is more likely to occur in women who misuse alcohol or drugs or who have partners who abuse alcohol or drugs. Partners who are excessively jealous or possessive are also more likely to abuse.
Abuse is about power and control. Physical abuse is just one way of controlling a woman: pushing, shoving, hitting, using a weapon, twisting an arm, tripping, punching are all very effective. But there are other ways to abuse. They include:
- Emotional abuse (making her feel bad about herself)
- Isolation (controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes)
- Economic abuse (controlling money or access to work)
- Sexual abuse (treating her like an object or forcing sexual activity)
- Threats (threatening her or the children, threatening to commit suicide)
- Using children to control her (threatening to take the children, denying visitation)
Most women who are abused begin to experience an erosion in their self-confidence. Told that they are worthless, over and over again, by word or deed, they soon begin to believe it. This a human characteristic: anyone who is told often enough by an authority figure that they are of little or no value begins to believe it. We are often puzzled about why women stay with abusing men. The erosion of confidence and self-esteem can be nearly total. Many women begin to believe that there is no way out and that somehow, they deserve the abuse.
No one "deserves" abuse. If you are abused, or you care for someone who is, you may have to work hard to believe that statement or to communicate it to your friend or relative. You may abused. Your mother, your old girlfriend, your sister, your daughter, your friend or your office mate may be abused. And no one deserves abuse.
How do you know if someone you care about needs help?
Some indications that a woman may be abused include:
- Repeated injuries or injuries that are difficult to account for as accidental (even though the woman may insist that they are accidental). Injuries may include fractures of the face, head, neck, throat (strangulation marks), eyes, jaw, nose, ribs, back, spine, pelvis and extremities; also genital trauma plus evidence of old injuries with insufficient explanation of those injuries
- Injuries that occur during pregnancy
- A delay in seeking medical care; a pattern of failing medical appointments with increasing severity of injuries; changing caregivers often
- Self-blaming, anger, anxiety, depression, evasiveness, fear of partner, suicidal thoughts or behavior, fatigue, nightmares, headaches, accidents, poor eye contact
- A possessive, overprotective partner; a partner who answers for the victim; prohibits the victim from being alone with caregivers; abuses alcohol or drugs
- A history of being a victim of child abuse or witnessing a mother or mother figure suffer abuse
You may help by calling the police if you know abuse is in progress. You may help her locate community support groups for abused women (although many are too afraid to attend at first). You may help by giving the victim the phone number of the local domestic violence shelter or the local crisis line. You may help by making putting her in touch with legal resources, childcare sources, employment or welfare help. Many victims respond well to making a "safety plan. A safety plan is a list of all the items she needs if she must escape quickly. Those items may be packed in a suitcase and hidden for future use.
It may take many attempts for a woman to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, it almost always takes more time than we think it "should." If you really want to help, be there for the long haul. The most helpful attitude is "no one deserves abuse" - but don’t expect her to believe it the first ten times you say it. Don’t give up even if she continues to put herself in jeopardy. She isn’t stupid. She’s afraid of her abuser. She’s afraid she won’t be able to make it on her own. You can help by being and staying concerned.
If you or someone you know needs help with domestic violence, call the Stressline at (317) 338-4800 to discuss resources and options.
Disclaimer: This material is intended for the purpose of general education. It is not comprehensive. It will not substitute for the evaluation and intervention of a mental health professional. |
